HIDDEN PERSPECTIVES
Stroke at a Young Age
At the age of nine, I dropped to the ground while shoveling my friends' driveway; I had a massive blood clot in my brain that had caused a severe stroke and comatose. The stroke left me with hemiparesis on my right side, which caused weakness in my right arm, leg, and facial muscles. Thanks to therapy, I recovered my ability to walk and talk very quickly. However, this didn't stop me from getting bullied in school. I was placed in learning disability classes which made it difficult to talk to people outside of the disabled community in the school.
It wasn't until high school and college that I began to make friends outside of this community. In terms of my dating, I was more comfortable dating people that also had disabilities since that was the community I was a part of. When I dated someone outside of that community I remember being scared and worried. Dating was fun and I experimented with various toys as I grew older. I have faced many misconceptions as I grew older but most of my hardships were in my younger years because it was so rare to see kids with a disability such as mine. Peers in school assumed I had a mental disability in addition to my physical disability because of the way I walked. I have no proof that people thought they were better than me but the way people talked and acted around me definitely reflected that feeling.
In terms of sex toys, I think toys to help with hand mobility issues would be very beneficial for others with similar disabilities to mine. Toys with extended grips or handles would be useful in addition to attachments to already existing toys. People are afraid to talk about sex and in turn, people make assumptions about what and how people have sex.
Finding Yourself With Mental Disability
Born with autism and ADHD I am now 21 and still have many things to learn about myself. I was always a little odd as a young kid but none of my actions warranted concern until I was a teenager. When I started high school I started to become aware of my mental health, and that's when I found out that I had a disability. Having a disability is one thing but learning to live with social perceptions associated with my disability was a whole new struggle.
My introduction to sex was not out of the ordinary; a kid in the 4th grade was more than happy to educate me on her knowledge of all things sex. In terms of actually engaging in it, I didn't have my first kiss until I was 18 and the closest I came to sex was sorta making out and groping this one guy I met at a party in the fall semester of 2021 when we were both piss drunk.
I've had my sexual orientation invalidated because I'm autistic and I "don't know" what attraction is and feels like—which is total bull shit! I know when I'm attracted to someone. I have sensory processing issues, so things like physical touch have always been an uncomfy territory for me. Dating for me is about someone who can respect those boundaries even though they seem more rigid compared to normal. I am still young and have a lot more to learn when it comes to navigating sexuality but my disability doesn't make me any less capable of figuring it out.
One big misconception I face is that it's too much of a hassle to have sex with someone with physical issues. The reality is there are many tools and resources available to make sex easier with a disability it comes down to effort and having an open mind. Personally, as a young college student, the only affordable sex toys I can find are the free condoms the university gives at the clinic. Finding affordable toys let alone toys for people with specific disabilities is very hard and not available in a lot of the sex stores. Being someone who has sensory issues I think the sex industry lacks toys that showcase unique textures and materials.
Life in a Chair and Body Image
Hi, my name is Maddie. I’m a 20-year-old disabled college student who also struggles with mental illnesses. I’m currently recovering from my second major surgery in 5 months, as well as dealing with my daily chronic illness problems. I’m being treated for major depressive disorder, anxiety, insomnia, PTSD, and am in eating disorder recovery as well.
My mental illnesses impacted my self-worth and confidence. In every romantic relationship I’ve had, I felt like I was the “weak link.” I allowed past boyfriends to walk all over me and did anything I could to please them and “make up” for my “deficits” that were my mental illnesses. My first two relationships included some sort of abuse. My third was ridiculously toxic and unhealthy.
My first many sexual experiences were not pleasant. I have endured sexual assault and r*pe, as well as being pressured into sexual acts. Aside from a few months during my third relationship, I never really enjoyed being intimate.
Now, I’m learning more and more about myself. I’m learning to accept my body and appreciate all that it does for me. I’m learning from many badass beautiful women that loving myself and intimacy should be enjoyable and on your own terms. I saw so many women taking their intimacy and experiences into their own hands, and owning it. They tackled the taboo and stigma that surrounded female pleasure and inspired me to overcome my own biases.
Embracing the Canes and Crutches
I have narcolepsy with cataplexy and hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. I became aware of my disability in mid-childhood but I have been using mobility aids since my freshman year of college (including forearm crutches and a wheelchair). I have been disabled for most of my life but it has been a long slow decline. I did not really "feel" disabled by my conditions until middle school. I have been disabled and identified as such for my whole adult life. As a person with a sleep disorder, I keep vastly different hours from my peers (and always have) I go to bed early, I take naps. This was socially isolating in my childhood because peers were not willing to compromise on my schedule. I was always the one accommodating them, not the other way. As I've grown I have become a better self-advocate for my disability-related needs.
My freshman year of college. The way my disability impacts my sex life is 2 fold. I have hypermobile joint so I can hurt my joints by hyper-extending them (especially my hips) and cataplexy is a muscle tone and paralysis condition where my voluntary muscles get temporarily weakened or paralyzed by intense emotions. For example, my legs collapse when I laugh, but my muscles also give out during sex. I have to have intimate conversations with my sexual parents about my conditions and what I can and can't do / what they should and shouldn't do if "x" thing happens. It can make things awkward and because I am young, people expect me to be able-bodied. My first time, I didn't know if I would have sex cataplexy (not all people with cataplexy have it during sex) so it was nerve wracking.
When I buy condoms in a wheelchair people look so confused. Yes, im disabled and have sex. I did an experiment where I paid for one month of Tinder gold and made a profile where some of my pictures include my mobility aids and one where I present as abled. The able-bodied photo account got so many more swipes. I cannot confirm it is because they assumed I don't have sex, but at the least, the saw me as less desirable.
My experience with dating has been rather uneventful. I have the privilege of being able to not use a mobility aid on first dates. I eventually introduce mobility aids in bc I have to, but on first dates I try to look as abled as possible. Most people are cool about it, but some people like to date me to look like a "hero". They're such a saint, dating a wheelchair girl. The majority of the people I have gone on dates with and or dated have been good about my disability, but it is a constant worry for when I start talking to new people.
A huge misconception people have is that wheelchair users are all paralyzed or cannot walk/move their legs. False. I am a collegiate rower, but I also use a wheelchair. They may assume physically disabled people don't have sex and or only date other disabled people. Some disabled people prefer to date other disabled people, but not because we can't find an abled person who would date us. Disabled people are "brave". Like sure, we can be, but I'm not brave because I use a wheelchair, I'm just existing. Although it seems silly, some people also think canes and crutches are for old people. Nope. I started using crutches at 18.
It is NOT OKAY to push us in our wheelchair without asking. It is NOT OKAY to ask to use our wheelchair. PLEASE DO NOT make jokes (unless you know the person well and have talked about if jokes are ok) DON'T sing "ridin dirty" as I go by (true story) don't ask if I have a license and registration because I'm "speeding". DO NOT talk "to" a wheelchair user by talking to the abled person with them about the wheelchair user. Assume we are verbal and intellectually abled until proven otherwise and if the person is nonverbal etc, still treat them with respect.